February 6-12
Order Up
Listen for the bell of the universe to tell you it’s ready.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:
Do everything right and tell everyone about it. This is the week that it’s not just obvious to you. This means the right things — you are a bad liar, especially to yourself, and you know exactly what I mean here. That tug on your right shoulder reminds you that indignation and pride and judgment that you are about to do a three-act staging for the audience of one (who “wronged” you) is not right. This is not right. Right is from love, and yes I am air-quoting to you.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:
It’s not your imagination right now. You are seeing slightly to the side of what the rest of us are. Somehow you are getting the preview of the time-space continuum and you now have a responsibility to listen. Yes, they are being kind. Yes, they do love you. Yes, that person did side-eye you when they thought you littered but you didn’t, it was a napkin flying by on the wind.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
Break-ups are hard. Repeat that. Look in your reflection and say it out loud. I hope this is just theoretical for you right now. Break-ups are hard. Learning a new language of life without them means finding the best translators. Do that now. Find your translating, bilingual tour guides through heartache.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:
Noodles and butter. Your week is perfectly stiff, yet soft warm noodles (the ones that twist and have spirals and tubes), with butter that you read about in Gourmande. Plan to set more alarms than usual because you’ll be sleeping off a dozen bowls a day of living. Please write a review of the chef that creates the moments that make up your week.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
By Wednesday you’ll have mixed the days of the week into a melange of confusion. This is normal for you, but you might be dodging spitballs and flip-flops that people are going to throw at you when you make these temporal mistakes. But, we both know that is on them — no one should listen to your words this week, and listen instead to your message. I would suggest they watch the area between your nose and your mouth to find the meaning there.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
Don’t do tests if you don’t have a plan for the results. This includes testing the waters of a relationship. This also includes a test kitchen. If you’re really determined to make your own handmade cinnamon toast crunchish cereal, know what you’re doing with the results. What will you do with a bucket of sugar cereal? Trick question — you will choose to beg a box off a friend instead.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:
Now that your insides are on the outside, you will see what all the lipstick was working for. Was it working for the bright sun of the friendly and courageous lion? Or, was it working for that loud, mean bitch who stalks exes and massages their cohort into submission to pull secrets to use against them later. Mirrors are not going to help you now.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
A lot of your fortune is being built from the weeks you breathed deeply and slept a little longer. The planets are giving you an entry way this week to try this again. You know this is where you’ll find the gold. It is okay to go to bed earlier, and bring a book and a hot water bottle for a threesome of riches.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
What do you think of the word membrane? Think about it and draw a diagram of your stomach’s reaction. Take that picture and hang it on the fridge door to be the reflection of your plan until Friday. You can support the feeling you get (which is not going to be your favourite) by making cookies with chocolate chips.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
Go ice fishing and forget a hook. You would do well to be slightly cold, but focused on the auger hole and the deep water under it. Listen more than talk, by the power of six. Wear an analog watch and make sure you walk 199 steps every half hour. If you do not have access to the means to make this happen, mid-career Leonard Cohen, sit on a floor and listen for seven minutes. The impact on your future is the same — you are sowing seeds of abundance.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:
No one is going to tell you that you are acting like the most boringest bore on Wednesday, but trust me, you are. The glazed looks are not of love (not that we can convince you, because you are audacity in shoes). When you wake up and remember the three-hour podcast you recorded in the voice of Dorothy Parker, you can delete it immediately.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Seal up your love letters this week because you are a magnet for nosey parker or two. They want to know what your magic recipe is for having a date this Valentine’s. Depending on their placements, they might thing you are a complete fool for adhering to the Hallmark calendar. You know why you are doing this. You deserve a good gift for being loveable and quite stunning lately.
