January 30 - February 5
Judge and Jury
It’s winter. You aren’t imagining it.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:
It will be midweek and you’ll wake up realizing that you had spent more than 24 hours listening to everyone else. You haven’t bitten your tongue. You haven’t rolled your eyes. Magic listening ears have sprung into your head and jotting down the notes will help you this spring. The trickster bubbles inside you this weekend and you will certainly mix lies with your drinks to keep the bleakest weeks of the year a bit lighter for us all. Wear a cap.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:
Kiss your fruit before you eat it, and let someone notice. You and I both know why. Let the rest of them guess. You might have a few strange dreams of the underground (not the dance-party kind, but the one where the moles and mice are writing novels while the earthworms dig new homes). Be careful with ice, under your feet, and in your drink, because both are extra slippery for fish this week.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
If you do anything this week to soothe your hot-bloodedness, it would be wise to look away from shiny pictures of exes (lovers, friends, and teachers). You do not have an ounce of rational sight to spare. All it will take is the sound of a fork tine clanging the teeth of a colleague at the lunch counter, and your vision will blur and your mouth will be running way too far ahead for your social capital.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:
This week is like your Grade 2 sticker book, organized into categories dictated by innocents, and rag-tag from trading and recess show-n-tell. Three new special stickers will come on the odd days of the week, and will land in your pages to look at in November. Refer back later for clarity. Trust that you have a system, and you are good at collecting gems.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
Trying to avoid trouble will land you in mud puddles or slipping on banana peels. It’s better to run to the fracas with a lighter and some hairspray. Bring a friend to take photos so you can remember the time you took centre stage in the drama (for once) and are the gossip you shared. You are the story. You are the Daily Mail headline. You have ten days, maybe twelve, depending on your placements. Enjoy!
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
What’s with your bad reputation lately? Who is sneakily cursing you? Who cares! Your life has been chugging along like you’re Thomas for too long. You need to have some grist to keep your paint shiny. Think of all of this bad luck as exfoliation for the soul. Soon you’ll be the smoothest in the room again.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:
Will you accidentally break some dishes this week while you throw them out the door? Yes. You will. This might not be metaphorical, so indulge in some shopping for “sorry about that” cards. Also, sometimes people pierce their ears too many times because they needed someplace for their jewels. A better idea is to pick up a new fancy box for your treasures and save yourself the time of healing (you’ll change your mind anyway).
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
If you had to pick a Greek myth to match your pace this week, it would certainly be Persephone’s journey back home. Did you know that pasta primavera is named for her? It is, in a long sort of way. Actually, most things you do this week will feel both mythical and culinary in nature, and that is why you will probably either fall in love, or fall in love more. Just in time!
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
Have you ever put on a pair of old pants and found a shopping list in your pocket, and then remembered that you forgot to get an acorn squash for Thanksgiving? You will have all the lists in your head midweek, and finally, pick up the things you forgot about. You might even remember your friend’s special secret anniversary a few days early, bake them a cake, and then drop it off in plenty of time. Take pictures.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
Your week is like reading a five-year-old newspaper and mistaking it for today’s edition. You’ll be shocked about what you forgot you remembered, and broadcast really, really old news in group chats and bulletin boards. When you figure it out, don’t freak out, just listen while everyone thanks you for reminding them how nothing stays the same, and time heals all wounds, and hoc quoque transibit.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:
Matter of fact things will feel like puzzles for a bit, almost like your body flipped on the x-axis. Ask for people to repeat themselves, and give you footnotes, then ask again. If you want a noodle-dish cooked for you, this is the week to ask. So while you’re mixing right and left, remember to do some incantations about macaroni and cheese for a free lunch made by friends.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
This week you finally have your parachute back, and a net to fall into, plus a set of wings. It’s all lucky-duck now. Avoid drinking out of straws, though, because you can’t stop smiling and won’t get a proper seal. Why all this jocularity and good luck? It’s the moment the skies are settling for a moment and your little hooves can dance. Pick up a book and read the first three chapters in a public place and watch the crowds jot down the title.
