March 20-March 27
Wrong way
You are forgiven.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
”Oh god. It’s you again.” Your week in a phrase. So what to do to give yourself an IV that will fill you with Paltrow-money vitamin juices? You need to look in areas of your life that you are hiding in plain sight. Think of your answers being on top of your psychic fridge — you don’t want to look because you forgot it existed and you can’t imagine how gross it will be, but then you’ll find your lost Kibbi stickers.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:
Elbow everyone in the face and they won’t be surprised, so don’t. It’s better to read a book this week, and maybe trim your spider plant (you forgot about that one, didn’t you). I bet you also forgot that you have a craft-level sparkling water tucked behind your yogurt (gone bad). Take your water, grab your biggest bag of Cap’n Crunch, and head to the cinema for some animated classics.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
Brain-computer interfaces are old news to you, but still you’ll be found sketching new incarnations of them while you eat your sourdough toast. Your goals will be half altruistic, like getting your Granny to remember her wedding night — and half hot gos’ and serving our lizard-brains with Page Six magic. Stay off Reddit until May.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
Ethically you got worried in the representation of life that Fisher Price sold your mom. Those little people? They did not set you up to integrate your heart and mind, and they were awful when the mama tried to cuddle the freckled bad-boy when his slingshot went wild and broke the garage window. Now you’re a grown-up, and now you see that you are the one who is supposed to be graceful with us all — we are all recovering from the same consensus reality of our preschool lives.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:
“I’m really excited about my breakthrough,” is coming out of your mouth in almost every situation. You’re excited about pre-buying greeting cards and filing them for occasions, you’re excited about the nail salon that does pinkies for free, you’re excited about discovering there are more stars than you could see last year, and you’re pretty excited to report about how you have broken-through the mood of the world and somehow are still hot. Please notice your audience as you waltz through our lives.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
Your whole mind is not for using this week. Mysteries are going to have to burrow close to the root of your fur like a louse. You can’t comb them out. If you do, you’ll be still working with eggs that won’t hatch. Let it sit, keep your brain warm, and vision board the hell out of Wednesday.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
Sometimes you are not the right filter for us to pull curds from the whey right now. No one trusts you, because you are actually all whey, no curds to be seen. You’ll got eyes that are too close to the ocean and keep leaking, and your pants don’t fit. Put on a sack dress and focus on the dreams that you will remember when they bob up in your mind’s eye while you pet your neighbour’s cat.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
I’m not too excited to report that you will lose any grip on spelling and grammar for a while, but you are getting a gift in return. Your brain is the main channel for the new moon’s messages, and particularly in the areas that impact your body between your knees and your belly. This is where you are going to hear the universe show off.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:
The paper towel roll of time is suddenly a double-roll and you are sopping up the messes of the winter like a 1950’s wife. Some timing is perfect for you goats — get a tattoo, eat a fancy apple, walk the opposite way, don’t text back, look at the birds, open your banking app and look with both eyes. Hydrate.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Did you dream about smoking a cigar in Cuba while a band played on a balcony of someone’s cheap room? Because you are giving that vibe right now, and we like it. Keep being on that romantic plane, and don’t use sharp objects or you’ll rip through reality. You are the ease that lives off human tears right now.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:
Tiny stars of fossil snowflakes are possible to find if you get your eyes to the earth realm right now. Your alchemy to use your air-head eyes to see the things that are missed under our feet, and rocks, and in our basements. The new moon hits like the guy who walked down into his basement and pushed on a loose piece of wall and found an entire lost city.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:
Special thanks for your service this season, and congratulations for moving out of the zodiac’s spotlight so you can sit in a bathtub and moan for hours without any of us asking what it means to us. I would suggest you cast spells with your version of chicken-noodle soup for the equinox. Read the tea leaves, or the bones, or divine spending solutions with a bendy-straw. You can get away with anything because the rest of us aren’t looking.
