March 13-March 20
Lighter
Windowsills offer eternities of light.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:
Once you thought sequins were the ultimate show of riches, and now you don’t. You used to like your toast lightly cooked, and now you need it burnt. You are an idea, and this is the week you will need to be more of a cloud and less of the rain, and think more than twice about where you put your foot next. This is especially true for staircases (real and metaphorical). If you can swim instead of walk, choose that instead. See you on the other side, and you can tell us what math you learned.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
No one else is going to be as annoyed as you are at the ticking of the loose cog in your furnace fan — but we are happy that you are here to do that emotional work for us. Do you need further aggravation? Wear your tight pants and forgo the fabric with stretch to keep you in line. You’re probably going to put your foot in your mouth before Thursday and a pair of tight jeans will make it go a little less deeply down your gullet.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:
Two days of squeaky wheels is the universe’s doing, and so what, you won’t have a second thought about burning the wooden wheels on a bonfire for your home-spun marshmallows. This weekend you may have a dream and it would be helpful for you to write it down and have a feel and wallow over it, then date that note and seal it up for a big reveal in August. Let me know.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
You know that economic crisis that is looming in the ether? You are going to remember all your secret stashes and piggy banks before Wednesday, and then the panic you have in the early week can hold the hand of its companion (which is the side of you who practically lives in a state of ‘worst-case scenario vibes). All this boring talk of your pocketbook will mean you don’t have a date for Saturday night, which is okay. You can watch your favourite trash and eat cheese whiz with your fingers.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
Stop scrolling through Wall-E clips and maybe switch to decaf this weekend. Sometimes you can watch a full-length feature and be surprised that you didn’t predict the ending. It might dawn on you that you aren’t exactly the expert of all things, and you might need a hug once in a while. Also, you can’t eat too many bagels this week, there is no such thing.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:
What is your secret this week? You are the Duolingo friend who is bringing all the friends together. They do not need to know it’s to celebrate the countdown to your birthday (even if you told them, they’d be fine because you’re so attractive). Treat yourself more than you usually do, friend.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
Remember that impulse Instagram purchase? The sack that has legs that you thought looked cute, but it looks like a tea towel after a week behind the stove? YOU WILL LOOK GOOD IN IT! Something about your mercurial spell will cast a rosy glow over all your fashion choices late week, and we are hypnotized by your greatness. Are you a goddess? A super-model maven? This week, yes. You could wear kitchen trash and look like Fashion Week; any and every one!
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
I offer you Monday as the soothsayer for wisdom that gets you out of a sticky jam Friday. It’s fine to take notes of anything that you feel is a genius lightbulb flickering in your mind’s attic. This week is also a peek into your next big hobby. Something is brewing that gets you on a horse, in a woodshop, or arranging flowers for the ball. Also — back up your data. Mercury isn’t playing as nicely with you guys.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
Wow! You’ve found a voice to speak clearly about all those secrets your gut was hiding. By the New Moon, you’ll have spilled your guts! Luckily we all knew who you hated a long time ago, but you will be taken aback by your own gossip-spew. Also you have some good jokes, and for once you’re quite funny for the rest of us!
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:
Fair warning from your kitchen: don’t do it. This isn’t the week for experimenting with your culinary side. Get take-out meals and eat power bars instead of pretending you’re Julia Child. Yes, Julia Child is the icon area your strange arrow hits right now. It’s not for you. You have hooves, and hooves can’t stir sauces. If you’re too impatient to figure out Uber Eats, ask a friend to send you a bag of chips.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Remember the fresh air of last week? It’s still in your lungs, and you are riding a wave of lucky-ducky luck. You’re the person who finds a fresh bunch of flowers while we see snow, and you find quarters while we find nickels. The luck isn’t running out any time soon, so we hope it gets through your thick-horned skull to your stubborn brain and you can feel lucky for the next two years.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:
It might be the time to do some earthly vengeance. You’ve been taking a lot of punches from the jerks around the zodiac these past few years and time is up. They’re going to see what it’s like to piss off an airhead. Go blind them with your brainiac fact-checked insult encyclopedia and take back the territory of your self-respect and big balloon heart.
