Jan 23-30

Groceries.

Bring your own bag.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

It would be really helpful to ask someone this week for a 12-word origin story, and even more helpful to you to write your own. That will be the medicine. You will need to keep a smile on your face (even if it is occasionally) because we are all warriors in our own lives. We are all arm-in-arm this week to see what the planets are conspiring to do next. Refer to your bios for a cheat sheet.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:

I saw two trees that had become old, and fallen at their trunks, splitting and leaning, as if they were going to land on the field below them. But they were tangled in generations of grapevines that held them up in the air. They were rotting there, leaning close to each other with their branches holding hands. Fall into the tangle of your crew this week and let them keep you upright while you feel like you’re rotting.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:

Do you remember when the beer bottle’s neck elongated into a spout? Before it was looking like a periscope over the beer case, the bottle was quiet and inward-looking under the cap. The stubby bottles are now in backyard middens that give clues of campfires before the Internet was born, and of jeans with no stretch. This week you will feel yourself wanting to be the stubby beer bottle, happily ignorant of the world seen from a higher vantage point.

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
Here are feelings you will have this week in fasteners: Monday will be like an overall buckle slipping closed with a click and you’ll want to keep tension on the day just slight enough that it stays closed — this feeling bleeds into Tuesday night for most time zones. On Wednesday you will have a nylon-toothed zipper moment when things quickly come together…finally. Thursday you will wake up feeling like a button fly on a pair of 501 jeans, and I urge you to watch closely as you move through the day to stay in the right spot at the right time — don’t miss a button or the day won’t finish well. The weekend comes early with a snap clip that pinches. Get some ice, because your ego is going to be pinched.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:

Paint this week by the numbers with the paints you have on hand, and the brushes that come with the kit. Meaning don’t get creative with the week. Be careful. Don’t mix things up. Be methodical and on time. No jazz. Please, no jazz. Improvising is not for you right now.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
If you have never mastered the art of measuring spaghetti to serve an odd number, this week will feel familiar. No matter how you measure things up right now, it won’t feed enough people in your life, or, at other times, you will have a bowl of leftovers clumping with starch because you made too much for the rest of the world. It’s your fate to keep making life’s spaghetti for the rest of us, but this week the ratio is off the whole time. Make sure you feed yourself first.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
Stay away from the following things for a few days: quarters, drinking from straws, watching sports, staring at Adam’s apples, and experimenting with haircuts. To thwart any bad moods, practice a somber expression in the mirror which is going to crack you up. You will have success in matching lids to containers, and finding space in your sock drawer. It’s a good week to be you, as long as you are careful.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:

When the week starts feeling like a tight headband, or a ponytail after it’s hung off your head all day, it’s time to invert your body. If you know how to stand on your head, do it often. If you don’t know how another fun option to correct the vibe is chair-based. Sit quietly and tip yourself slowly at the waist until your head drops low. Breathe slowly while you let the head feel as heavy as a big bag of apples.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
You are going to hear everyone speaking like they cut-and-pasted letters from a magazine together into their conversations. Try not to look like it, and things should be okay. This will all start and finish midweek, so thanks to the planets for buffering your confusion with some psychic pillows on Monday and Friday.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
There is no such thing as before and after this week for you. It’s a whole pack of gum in your mouth at once, which is to say a dream come true in terms of comfort. Share the love of a mouthful of fresh bubblegum with the rest of the zodiac. You’ll feel so good that you’ll want to brand yourself with a logo and sell t-shirts to your tour (which is your life).

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
Stop worrying about saying the words correctly, and communicate in the pronunciations of your heart. On Friday everyone will love how you say your words, and you are like the pied piper of language for an afternoon. It’s a good week for teamwork, especially if you want your message to be the one the group votes for.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:

Have you ever had to peel a bag of potatoes or 2-pounds of carrots? Your hands are cold and wrinkled at the end of the task, and you are shocked at the amount of dirt that has collected in the sink like an abrasive cleaner, and under your fingernails like you were picking these vegetables out of the garden instead of a bag from a store. That is how your week goes.