Jan 16-22

Sorties

weekly horoscope from the fairies to you

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

This week will feel like the first time you figured out how to tie your shoes. The magic of a new knot feels like seeing an invisible dimension — and you have a sudden realization that fits the loops of your life into a nice neat bow. What a treat amid a dreary week.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18:

You may want to rest up on Monday and Tuesday because the planets are looking right into your soul later this week. Nothing is good or bad in the universe, but when a stare-down is happening, it can require some extra energy. For the Aquarians who can’t calm down, go run around the block and stop bothering the rest of us.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20:

Siren songs of excess will fill your dreams, which is a perfectly good way to let yourself lose control — and this week you will let yourself get away guilt-free with dozen-donut dreams and shin-kicking fantasies. Enjoy the levity of seeing your dream world for the secret playground that it is.

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19:
Things you might find yourself doing this week include forcing friends to watch The Princess Bride five times, dressing like Bilbo Baggins on a date, locking yourself in a bathroom, peeking the wrong way through peepholes, and throwing someone’s things in a sewer grate. Good luck, and make a set of spare keys.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20:

There is an urban legend of a man who knew how to get his arm into a pop machine to get a free drink whenever he wanted. You will be that man this week. You will be just like him, because you won’t share your secret, or your pop.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21:
A couch in the continental apartments of an aging duchess will have pillows covered in velour and filled with goosedown, when you plump it behind your head to nap, you can punch it like bread dough. Your week brings along a soft pillow to rest on, and you will definitely need it (especially Thursday afternoon).

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22:
To everyone else it will seem like the string in your back is broken, because your words are going to come slower than usual. The phrases are all the same, but the RPM is off, and the meaning will be new. Listen to yourself closely, because your message is only important if you are the one receiving it.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22:

No one else agrees that you need to carry the wand of a conductor-come-magician to work this week, but they are not the ones wielding magic. If you pack a wand, you can make things appear. If you leave the wand at home, the magic will stay with it. You get to choose.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22:
Don’t take the week the wrong way, it just is hanging around a bit too long each day. You can control it a bit with extra quilts, and add a new episode to the watch list. Read Garfield comics as if they are missions from the beyond.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23:
You will need warm socks and a new package of antihistamines this week. Things in the physical world will be in your way, and there is no metaphoric explanation. It just is the physical world. This week is only three dimensions for you. No hidden meanings. Just cold feet and itchy eyes.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21:
If you had an old phone that was attached to the wall with a cord, and the cord was actually a large hose that linked to another phone that you could reach, and you held one to your left ear, and the other to your right, then you would know exactly what this week will feel like.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21:

If you could do something to make Saturday better, it would be baking a batch of your favourite cookies to last the week long. Even better, make these larger than usual, and a bit softer. If you bake on Monday or Tuesday, you will also fulfill the universe’s wish for adherence to order at the beginning of the week.